


i've been lonely all along

by ryukogo



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Pining, Sad, who hurt me? i won't name him, why do i keep writing pining yuki rurikawa?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:41:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26009701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryukogo/pseuds/ryukogo
Summary: Falling in love... was a dangerous, dangerous thing, if you were Yuki Rurikawa.
Relationships: Rurikawa Yuki/Sakisaka Muku, mentioned offscreen Izumida Azami/Sakisaka Muku, onesided Rurikawa Yuki/Sakisaka Muku
Kudos: 45





	i've been lonely all along

**Author's Note:**

> INDULGENCE, THY NAME IS WRITING PINING YUKI FICS TO FILL THE VOID IN MY HEART

_"Falling in love... is an amazing and beautiful thing!"_

He remembers how he'd been told that, long, long ago, and he could not, would not forget the way his eyes had sparkled with determination and an excitement he'd never really understood at the time. He remembers the feeling of a kind, gentle touch - a hand with a strength he had underestimated until he'd been pulled along despite his protests. He remembers the smile on his face like it was only yesterday that he'd been handed one of his beloved mangas, a smile that radiated a warmth that he'd never really known in entirety until he'd joined Mankai.

Yuki Rurikawa remembers everything like it was only yesterday.

Like it was only yesterday that he'd learned the warmth of an innocent, pure love.

* * *

**_< <It only takes one little thing to make you get all mushy...>>_ **

"Yuki! I have something great to tell you!"

"Eh? ... But I'm working right now."

"Oh- ooooh no, I'm sorry-! I can tell you later when you're not-"

"I'm joking, Muku. I finished these half an hour ago. I'm just doing last minute adjustments. I can listen to you right now."

_[Because I'd always listen to you whenever you need me to, just like when you'd listen to me.]_

"Oh! O-okay!"

**_< <... and then it only takes one little thing to make you depressed.>>_ **

"... you're going to... ask Azami out?"

_[...]_

"Y-yeah... I've been thinking about it for a while now, and... a-and I think I should make the first move! It’s the prince who asks the princess to marry him most of the time, and-”

_[... Ah...]_

“Oy. You really think Azami will consent to being called a princess?”

_[This feeling…]_

“I-! Oh no, you’re right, what was I thinking, I’m such a useless spineless slug good for nothing but squirming on the ground…”

“Hey. I thought we already said you would stop doing that.”

_[... is this…]_

“Oh, s-sorry, Yuki… um.”

“Are we done? Why did you tell me this in the first place, anyway, Wonder Boy?”

“Well…”

_[... I don’t know what to call this feeling…]_

“Well…”

Yuki looks up from his work, and sees Muku pushing the tips of his index fingers together. “I-I was wondering… if you could help me out with it…?”

“Help you out with-” Yuki gives him a deadpan stare. “It’s your idea and now you’re asking me to help you out.”

“I-I thought that, since Yuki is smarter than I am, he’d know what to do…”

“Muku,” Yuki says, and he tries not to let his voice waver. “How would I know how to ask someone out, when I’ve never fallen in love?”

He hates that he knows that when Muku’s eyes widen, he feels like he’s able to see deep within its depths. Both loves and hates how open his friend is, how earnest and open he is. How he knows the nuances of each and every curve of his lips and crinkling of the corners of his eyes, how he knows which combination of each makes up any emotion Muku Sakisaka expresses.

Muku holds his hands, and he hates how his breath hitches when it does.

**_< <It's so dumb...>>_ **

"I'm sorry if I offended you, Yuki," Muku says honestly. "... I just... thought you might be able to suggest something, even if you didn't know a lot about it."

"Why?"

"Because I trust Yuki," he answers simply. "Because... Yuki's always known what to do."

_**< <... how people let themselves get so easily manipulated like that.>>** _

"... Okay."

"O-okay?"

"I'll... try my best to help you, Muku. But. No promises."

"I-it doesn't matter if it works... aaaaah, I'm glad... thank you so much, Yuki! I-I'll stop bothering you now, this withering lettuce leaf-"

"MUKU."

"Sorry! Sorry!"

When Muku leaves the room, happy, Yuki realizes it's already almost midnight. The hack wasn't coming back to the dorms tonight, so Yuki had the room to himself.

So he has the room to himself when he slams a balled up fist on his desk, pushing him and his rolling chair away from it.

_[Stupid... stupid...]_

He'd already known this was going to happen, and yet he'd LET it happen, like a god damn IDIOT.

He hates himself for it. Hates himself that he'd allowed himself to open up like this, allowed himself to get attached. Hates that he let himself be convinced that maybe, just maybe, love really was a nice, warm thing.

Maybe this was his fault, anyway. He never said anything to Muku, did he? Of course he didn't. Despite everything, the things he'd ragged on the money-grubbing yakuza for were the exact same things he'd done, huh?

Because, in the end, he's not as strong as Muku thinks he is. Not as cool as Muku thinks he is.

He's just... someone who'd thought it was smart to learn and end up falling in love with another, when he hadn't even learned to love himself. Not really.

"Stupid, swindling Wonder Boy."

The nickname tastes like sweet poison on his lips. An acid that would corrode at him from the inside out until there was nothing left of him. Nothing left of Yuki Rurikawa.

**_< <The truth is, I've always been searching...>>_ **

But that's what he gets, he supposes, for even entertaining the thought of falling in love as Muku had wished him to do. For allowing himself, even just for a moment, to put down the walls and let himself be seen. To... let himself try and be accepted, for who he was, by someone he'd learned to trust with all his being.

_**< <For a place that will accept me for who I am...>>** _

Muku accepted him for who he was. The summer troupe... Mankai... they accepted him for being him. That was why they were friends. That was why... he felt like he belonged with them. He was home, with family. With friends.

With Summer Troupe.

... With Muku.

He'd felt safe enough to open up to him... he'd learned... what it meant to fall in love. Falling in love was indeed an amazing and beautiful thing, as Muku had said...

... but... was it worth it, when right now he suffered for it?

**_< <I've been lonely all along->>_ **

Yuki Rurikawa curls up on his bed, alone, and pretends he does not see his own bitter tears stain the sheets.

_**< <\- what a joke... right? >>** _


End file.
